– the last time I pulled off the highway to write something was to write a letter to my childhood best friend who was getting married that weekend and didn’t invite me.

– my high school crush and never-boyfriend used to ditch hanging out with me because he was having an “existential crisis.” It was bullshit but I often times now think that’s how I act.

– November is so painful every year and so rewarding and so crunched up into one unshakable thing. Like I can ball it up and throw it in the trash every year on Dec 1st then instantly regret it.

– I bought my guitar and started playing in a band after my first grown-up boyfriend broke up with me about this time last year. It was more because Luke and I couldn’t stop listening to Tugboat by Galaxie 500 and just wanted to be something close to that song and sound rather than the break up.

– In the summer, I drive north to Michigan. In the winter, I drive north to Wisconsin.

– There was one winter where my friends and I did drive north to Michigan in the winter for my birthday. We got so piss drunk that we got butt naked. I saw my best friend really cry for the first time. I then went into my own cold, cabin room and cried and took a picture of a knocked over mug of whiskey that said “Thinking Of You” on it and sent it to my then grown-up not-my-boyfriend-at-the-time boyfriend.

– One summer when we drove to Michigan I listened to Coldplay’s Viva la Vida on repeat on my ipod

– Another summer in Grand Haven Michigan I matched with a guy on tinder and he wanted me to sneak out of our family rental house and meet up with him so I could read his play manuscript

– I teared up listening to Liar by Built to Spill. Then felt dumb for being someone who cries to Built To Spill.

– The young guy working the toll booth said to me that I was “absolutely gorgeous” before handing me the slip of paper that said I didn’t have cash to pay the toll. I can’t decide if it was inappropriate or endearing.

-I jokingly said to my coworkers the other day, “I love love!” Which wasn’t much of a joke because I’ll do anything in the pursuit of love.

– But last November my grandma died. I was seeing someone and decided to grieve rather than pursue a relationship with him. I think I made the right choice.

– In high school, I was so heartbroken I gave myself mono. But soon after my family drove north to the U.P. for a weekend. I think that’s when I decided driving north cures most all things

Okay. I was going to start this blog awhile ago but I got caught up. Which is dumb because I made the blog in an attempt not to be caught up.

So I’m trying again. This time I’ll be more candid.

I struggle with OCD and generalized anxiety. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship a couple years back that makes me pretty raw in some situations.

I really really want to be more public about where I’m at and that’s why I wanted to have a blog to begin with. My therapist says that I should use my writing skills to help others and share my story so I’m going to try…again.

My anxiety stops me from doing a lot of things and my OCD tells me I can’t do them unless they’re perfect. I’m extremely worried about what people might think and how being candid might, in turn, make me a “bad person.”

So I’ll start by sharing this- my biggest fear is food poisoning and getting sick. I have contamination OCD. I often text my mom pictures of my food. I am 23 and I’m scared of food and it sucks.

Here’s a picture I sent to my mom the other night of a cucumber that got a tad soggy. I ended up throwing the whole thing away because I was too scared and the internet says you can get food poisoning from cucumbers.

So that’s where I’m starting today- if I’m scared a cucumber will make me ill, I’m scared a blog will make me less of a “good person.” But I’m going to try and I want to try so here it is.

I’m going to start writing here. It’s an abyss, I know. But here’s the thing- I got a degree in writing from a semi-bunk liberal arts college and I’m doing literally nothing with it. So why not start here? On this blank WordPress without my full name or anything to identify me. What could go wrong? I had a WordPress site in college where I posted my corny poetry and lines-of-dread hoping that my crush would click on it and feel something for me. It’s still out there. Maybe someday I’ll share the hyperlink.

But that’s here nor there. I guess I just don’t know where to start. How the fuck does one start a blog? Are blogs even real anymore or is it just an imagined concept I latched onto when I was 13 and scrolling tumblr nightly? Or maybe it’s just Carrie Bradshaw’s voice stuck in my head and the image of her sitting at her laptop in her little brownstone walk up, answering the unanswered (and somehow still making money off of it).

It doesn’t matter cause I’m just going to write here anyway. I already paid for the domain and I don’t want it to be another one of those yearly costs that suddenly gets sucked out of my bank account with no warning. Just a sudden “Your Account Balance is Below Chosen Alert Limit” email that feels like both a death sentence and a wish.

So here it is: I’m 23. I live in Chicago. I’m constantly wondering if I truly need help.